Spider-Man 3: 2/5 reviewed by Mike
Just so you know where I'm coming from, I not only am a total comic geek, but I love the first two Spidey films. They're what fanboys point to as the pinnacle of Superhero movie making. But this piece of work falls short in so many ways, it will be incredibly difficult for me to keep this review to the normal length.
The first problem isn't necessarily Sam Raimi's fault. I think the studio told him "you WILL do Venom, you WILL do Gwen Stacy, etc." But aside from Gwen being forced to a badly acted bit part that isn't close to any of her comic book iterations, it becomes clear right from the get go that Sam doesn't really know the Venom story (it wasn't part of his childhood Spidey experience) nor much like it. In fact, I think he hates Venom and Brock as characters, and it shows up in his handling of them. Not only does "venom" become a skinny, snively, reverb-laced whimp, but he's only in the movie for about ten minutes at the very end. If you're a Venom fan, you will hate this film.
The second big problem emanates from the first, and that is that there is simply too much going on. There's no main story here. You've got about 4 or 5 plots going on that all compete for screentime. Romance with MJ. Harry becoming the new Goblin. Sandman. Eddie Brock. The Black Suit. Venom. You'll find yourself saying: "man, they could've just left Sandman out," but then you'll think, "Well, I guess they could have just left Venom out," and you'll keep saying this until you realize that none of the plot elements are actually important. It's a ton of ideas thrown together with nothing to guide them or keep them in one piece. This carries over into how the film was written and shot. This is a "scene" movie. i.e. there isn't really a story or character development, it's like they sat in a room going, "what if there was a scene where this happened--what if there was a scene where that happened?" And they never made a story that might be able to incorporate those scenes, they just filmed them all and spliced them together. This is a prime example where none of the story comes from the characters, instead characters are warped and forced into actions contrary to what we know of them, just so Raimi could go through a checklist of plot points.
The other thing that ruins this movie is the incredible cheesiness. Not only is the acting over-the-top melodrama (even by superhero standards) but I knew I was out for sure when Peter Parker starts playing piano solos, dancing around a nightclub, swinging from chandeliers, in a giant choreographed musical number. I didn't know whether to expect Ron Burgundy to bust out some jazz flute, or whether Disney's Aristocats were gonna barge in. The relationship between Peter and Harry becomes just silly. None of the good themes within it are explored, but instead it becomes cheesy to the point where you're expecting them to make out. Stan Lee's cameo (why do they give the man LINES?) will make you throw up, and Sandman, who at first seems to be a fairly complex, relateable character, by the end of the movie gets reduced to a bunch of grunts and "Mummy" rip off's. The ending two scenes are among the cheesiest and just plain dumbest in recent memory. The only really good moment is Bruce Campbell's cameo, which was awesome. It's probably the reason the movie didn't get a 1/5.
Post Production aspects fail you as well. Although the sand effects are actually really awesome about 75% of the time, the rest of the CGI looks awful. The green-screen and digital stuff REALLY stands out, like it's rushed, or unpolished. But by far, what makes the movie almost unwatchable is the score. This is the worst score I've ever heard on a movie, ever. Fight scenes have cheesy (read: square) "jazz" being played behind them, all the quiet moments have huge strings blaring over them, and the amount of bassoon lines to tell us that this guy is a bad guy will drive you absolutely insane. People around me in the theater were making comparisons to the Adam West Batman show. The score at every scene reminds you you're watching a bad movie, takes you completely out of the action and beats you over the head. Even if this movie were perfect in every other way, I don't think I could give it higher than a '3' just for the score.
I can't tell you how sad this makes me. A sense of betrayal and defeat weighed me down for literally days after seeing this, and I couldn't write a review right away. I was totally ready to give this movie a 5, but as it went on, I was devastated over and over. As soon as I got home, I had to go pull a bunch of old Spidey comics off the shelf and read them, to remind myself that I really do like these characters, and they are good (thank you Bendis!) I know that you Spidey fans and comic fans will probably see this no matter what I tell you, but please, don't waste your money. This isn't even worth a rental, even for fans. Maybe especially for fans.
The first problem isn't necessarily Sam Raimi's fault. I think the studio told him "you WILL do Venom, you WILL do Gwen Stacy, etc." But aside from Gwen being forced to a badly acted bit part that isn't close to any of her comic book iterations, it becomes clear right from the get go that Sam doesn't really know the Venom story (it wasn't part of his childhood Spidey experience) nor much like it. In fact, I think he hates Venom and Brock as characters, and it shows up in his handling of them. Not only does "venom" become a skinny, snively, reverb-laced whimp, but he's only in the movie for about ten minutes at the very end. If you're a Venom fan, you will hate this film.
The second big problem emanates from the first, and that is that there is simply too much going on. There's no main story here. You've got about 4 or 5 plots going on that all compete for screentime. Romance with MJ. Harry becoming the new Goblin. Sandman. Eddie Brock. The Black Suit. Venom. You'll find yourself saying: "man, they could've just left Sandman out," but then you'll think, "Well, I guess they could have just left Venom out," and you'll keep saying this until you realize that none of the plot elements are actually important. It's a ton of ideas thrown together with nothing to guide them or keep them in one piece. This carries over into how the film was written and shot. This is a "scene" movie. i.e. there isn't really a story or character development, it's like they sat in a room going, "what if there was a scene where this happened--what if there was a scene where that happened?" And they never made a story that might be able to incorporate those scenes, they just filmed them all and spliced them together. This is a prime example where none of the story comes from the characters, instead characters are warped and forced into actions contrary to what we know of them, just so Raimi could go through a checklist of plot points.
The other thing that ruins this movie is the incredible cheesiness. Not only is the acting over-the-top melodrama (even by superhero standards) but I knew I was out for sure when Peter Parker starts playing piano solos, dancing around a nightclub, swinging from chandeliers, in a giant choreographed musical number. I didn't know whether to expect Ron Burgundy to bust out some jazz flute, or whether Disney's Aristocats were gonna barge in. The relationship between Peter and Harry becomes just silly. None of the good themes within it are explored, but instead it becomes cheesy to the point where you're expecting them to make out. Stan Lee's cameo (why do they give the man LINES?) will make you throw up, and Sandman, who at first seems to be a fairly complex, relateable character, by the end of the movie gets reduced to a bunch of grunts and "Mummy" rip off's. The ending two scenes are among the cheesiest and just plain dumbest in recent memory. The only really good moment is Bruce Campbell's cameo, which was awesome. It's probably the reason the movie didn't get a 1/5.
Post Production aspects fail you as well. Although the sand effects are actually really awesome about 75% of the time, the rest of the CGI looks awful. The green-screen and digital stuff REALLY stands out, like it's rushed, or unpolished. But by far, what makes the movie almost unwatchable is the score. This is the worst score I've ever heard on a movie, ever. Fight scenes have cheesy (read: square) "jazz" being played behind them, all the quiet moments have huge strings blaring over them, and the amount of bassoon lines to tell us that this guy is a bad guy will drive you absolutely insane. People around me in the theater were making comparisons to the Adam West Batman show. The score at every scene reminds you you're watching a bad movie, takes you completely out of the action and beats you over the head. Even if this movie were perfect in every other way, I don't think I could give it higher than a '3' just for the score.
I can't tell you how sad this makes me. A sense of betrayal and defeat weighed me down for literally days after seeing this, and I couldn't write a review right away. I was totally ready to give this movie a 5, but as it went on, I was devastated over and over. As soon as I got home, I had to go pull a bunch of old Spidey comics off the shelf and read them, to remind myself that I really do like these characters, and they are good (thank you Bendis!) I know that you Spidey fans and comic fans will probably see this no matter what I tell you, but please, don't waste your money. This isn't even worth a rental, even for fans. Maybe especially for fans.
posted by Hankinstien at 9:40 AM
4 Comments:
You nailed this on the head, but I think I have to write a review too because I'm SO disappointed.
In all seriousness, this is not even worth a rental.
Luckily, though, everyone I've talked to has thought the same. It's getting terrible reviews around here.
And you're 100% spot-on about the Bruce Campbell cameo. It brought the movie from a "1" to a "2" for me.
Haha, just realized I accidentally used the same picture as you. I suppose I should try to make the flick look like there are more than three scenes, lol.
Speaking of how terrible this movie is...which it is...I would like to point out again that Hankins is breaking format again...why no funny "see this movie if..." section? Damn you Hankins. Oh yeah, Spiderman 3 sucks so much that my balls were hurting when I left.
If it's possible to spoil w/ the dying part I do it here... sorry about the length, I had more to say than I thought...
Alright, so... I'm in the theatre watching the movie. Laughing at all the things you hated... it didn't even occur to me that they were trying to be serious. In fact, I laughed a lot, and come to think of it I may have been the only one to be doing it.
When Peter says, "Oh, Goblin junior, you gonna cry?" my fellow viewer leans in and says, "The dialogue leaves something to be desired." To which I reply, "You kidding, it's hilarious." Shame on me for not realizing I was making fun of the drama.
I was also very entertained when Peter goes dancing across the club floor. Maybe I just have a thing for guys wearing eyeliner. (Sweet memories of childhood.)
The only thing that really annoyed me to the point where I couldn't even laugh was the undeniable fact that I couldn't hate the villains. What's up with that? A back story (Correction: a sweet back story)? Seriously? A kid? GEEZ! At one point I got shushed... is the Sandman really crying? *rolls eyes*
"Please go rob banks Daddy, you're thieving and violence is completely justifiable.. I love you. And now the audience does too, 'cause I'm just so damn cute."
Right, sorry, I am going on. I left to go to the restroom without a bit of hesitation... in fact I ticked off the remainder of the movie as I walked out... 1) big fight 2) monologues 3) Harry dies (hospital, obvious foreshadowing... painfully obvious) 4) fall back in love 5) the end.
I was pleased with myself for being spot on... of course a monkey would have realized the same thing. Eh... if that were the case what does it make everyone who didn't see it coming?
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