Eragon 0/5 reviewed by Ben
Let's get a few things straight right off the bat: 1)This is the most generous I have ever been in my scoring. 2)Eragon is, by definition, not a movie. It's a bunch of moving pictures on a screen, but you can't call this a movie. 3) I've never walked out on anything, ever, with the exception of Clerks. Even windtalkers I sat all the way through. But I couldn't do more than 48 minutes of this Eragon.
Let's start with the plot. Stop me if you've heard this one before: A lonely farm boy (luke?), lives with his uncle (Owen?), until said uncle is killed by an evil army (stormtroopers?) that works for the evil empire (the evil empire?). So young farm boy looks into the sunset for a while, and goes off and joins up with a wise old man/mentor (Obi Wan?) who knows a lot about the old way of things--back when there were things called dragon riders (Jedi?), before the dark times, when one of the dragon riders (anakin?) betrayed them and took over the land...
I'm not kidding. It's the EXACT plot from Star Wars, down to recreating certain shots. And say what you will about Lucas, but at least he understood some basic shooting techniques like shooting a scene in the same time of day, or having establishing shots to show location, etc. Eragon doesn't have those things--it's like you took a sugar-hyped toddler, gave him a camera, then gave him a crew of infants who all had cancer, and then asked them to make a movie of one of the best-selling fantasy novels out there right now.
For example: It starts off with a scene where a fight (sort of) is happening between two people in the woods. Then we cut to Eragon (we assume) in the woods hunting. But there are no establishing shots whatsoever. I thought they were in the same woods, since its constantly cutting back and forth between the fight and Eragon hunting. Both in identical sections of woods. Lo and behold, these events are miles and miles apart, but you would never know. It was a full nine minutes into the film before there was a single establishing shot to give you a sense of where you were. The time problems are horrendous. There was seriously one scene where this progression took place: It's the middle of the night--change angle--middle of a cloudless afternoon with bright sun--change angle--pouring down rain at twilight--change angle--cloudless sky in the middle of the hot sun again. I'd say there are logic problems but the whole story is a gigantic logic problem. Some things are explained 3 or 4 times till you're sick of it, and other things that need to be explained are never mentioned. You're treated to the single worst opening narration ever concieved of. It made me want to vomit all over my popcorn--then, a few minutes in, everything the narrator said is explained again (badly) at least 3 times. But other things are never mentioned or explained, like when Eragon all of a sudden starts using magic. He knows powerful attack magic? Shouldn't that have, you know, come up in conversation at least by now?
The acting is abysmal. This stupid kid gives Hayden Christensen a run for his money in the "I'm a stupid whiny kid" department. I mean, look at that picture. It's like a sniveling 2-year old just got his toy train taken from him. Malkovitch (who has a lot of dailouge for someone who isn't in the book at all) sounds like he's just constantly thinking about the paycheck, as do the rest of the cast. Only Jeremy Irons appears to know what this film really is: he's making fun of the movie in subtle ways that the director wasn't smart enough to pick up on. The score is disgusting, the script is terrifying... And I've barely scratched the surface of how bad this thing is. I've seen movies used for Mystery Science Theatre 3000 that were better made movies than this, and that is NOT an exaggeration.
Like I said, I only made it through about 50 minutes, and it physically upset me. I felt like I had just thrown up, but not in a good way, where you feel like you've got something out of your system, but in the bad way, like your body's just been through a terrible trauma, and it isn't done dealing with it yet. The worst part is I feel really bad for the writer of the novels, because this is the worst thing that could happen to him. There is no way anyone will read his book after seeing this. I was very interested in reading them at first, but now there is no way on this Earth or in the supernatural world that I will pick up those books, because the thought of Eragon makes my nervous system want to cut itself with a dirty razor in the bathtub.
Don't you dare see this--if you liked the book, this movie only barely resembles it. If you haven't read the book, this thing only barely resembles a movie anyways. This is a movie only Osama Bin Laden should be forced to watch. Don't subject yourself to it, please--there's so much to live for!
See this movie if:
-you're a war criminal being tortured by the CIA. And then only if you've killed lots of people
-you liked "Windtalkers."
Don't see this movie if:
-You have a pulse
-You like fantasy stories
-You like living
Let's start with the plot. Stop me if you've heard this one before: A lonely farm boy (luke?), lives with his uncle (Owen?), until said uncle is killed by an evil army (stormtroopers?) that works for the evil empire (the evil empire?). So young farm boy looks into the sunset for a while, and goes off and joins up with a wise old man/mentor (Obi Wan?) who knows a lot about the old way of things--back when there were things called dragon riders (Jedi?), before the dark times, when one of the dragon riders (anakin?) betrayed them and took over the land...
I'm not kidding. It's the EXACT plot from Star Wars, down to recreating certain shots. And say what you will about Lucas, but at least he understood some basic shooting techniques like shooting a scene in the same time of day, or having establishing shots to show location, etc. Eragon doesn't have those things--it's like you took a sugar-hyped toddler, gave him a camera, then gave him a crew of infants who all had cancer, and then asked them to make a movie of one of the best-selling fantasy novels out there right now.
For example: It starts off with a scene where a fight (sort of) is happening between two people in the woods. Then we cut to Eragon (we assume) in the woods hunting. But there are no establishing shots whatsoever. I thought they were in the same woods, since its constantly cutting back and forth between the fight and Eragon hunting. Both in identical sections of woods. Lo and behold, these events are miles and miles apart, but you would never know. It was a full nine minutes into the film before there was a single establishing shot to give you a sense of where you were. The time problems are horrendous. There was seriously one scene where this progression took place: It's the middle of the night--change angle--middle of a cloudless afternoon with bright sun--change angle--pouring down rain at twilight--change angle--cloudless sky in the middle of the hot sun again. I'd say there are logic problems but the whole story is a gigantic logic problem. Some things are explained 3 or 4 times till you're sick of it, and other things that need to be explained are never mentioned. You're treated to the single worst opening narration ever concieved of. It made me want to vomit all over my popcorn--then, a few minutes in, everything the narrator said is explained again (badly) at least 3 times. But other things are never mentioned or explained, like when Eragon all of a sudden starts using magic. He knows powerful attack magic? Shouldn't that have, you know, come up in conversation at least by now?
The acting is abysmal. This stupid kid gives Hayden Christensen a run for his money in the "I'm a stupid whiny kid" department. I mean, look at that picture. It's like a sniveling 2-year old just got his toy train taken from him. Malkovitch (who has a lot of dailouge for someone who isn't in the book at all) sounds like he's just constantly thinking about the paycheck, as do the rest of the cast. Only Jeremy Irons appears to know what this film really is: he's making fun of the movie in subtle ways that the director wasn't smart enough to pick up on. The score is disgusting, the script is terrifying... And I've barely scratched the surface of how bad this thing is. I've seen movies used for Mystery Science Theatre 3000 that were better made movies than this, and that is NOT an exaggeration.
Like I said, I only made it through about 50 minutes, and it physically upset me. I felt like I had just thrown up, but not in a good way, where you feel like you've got something out of your system, but in the bad way, like your body's just been through a terrible trauma, and it isn't done dealing with it yet. The worst part is I feel really bad for the writer of the novels, because this is the worst thing that could happen to him. There is no way anyone will read his book after seeing this. I was very interested in reading them at first, but now there is no way on this Earth or in the supernatural world that I will pick up those books, because the thought of Eragon makes my nervous system want to cut itself with a dirty razor in the bathtub.
Don't you dare see this--if you liked the book, this movie only barely resembles it. If you haven't read the book, this thing only barely resembles a movie anyways. This is a movie only Osama Bin Laden should be forced to watch. Don't subject yourself to it, please--there's so much to live for!
See this movie if:
-you're a war criminal being tortured by the CIA. And then only if you've killed lots of people
-you liked "Windtalkers."
Don't see this movie if:
-You have a pulse
-You like fantasy stories
-You like living
posted by Ben Riley at 11:27 AM
2 Comments:
When I saw the trailer, I decided that I would never, in heaven or hell, step foot in a theatre or home where this was playing.
Glad I made a good call. I read somewhere the story was written by a 16 year old. Sucks for him.
Oh, and the only two movies I've ever walked out of were Hostel and Closer.
Angry reviews are the best reviews ever. Way to be the first to give a 0/5, but who are you anyway? What happened to Skankins?
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