Spider-Man 3: 2/5 reviewed by Corey

Read Mike's review below.

I warn you with this exclaimer: I have given Spider-Man 3 a 2/5 for exactly the same reasons as Mike. I'm writing this simply because I felt the need to roast the movie for being so freakin' terrible.

A while back, I wrote a feature on a blog that I rarely update discussing the top five worst sequels, particularly those in the presence of better films of the same franchise. This would very much join the ranks. It's Matrix Reloaded bad. It's Alien Vs. Predator bad. It's freakin' Batman & Robin bad.

First thing's first: the villains. Everyone wanted to see Venom. That's why I went. Even if he was only in the last minute, I wanted to see Venom. And at the end, I wished I hadn't. Venom sucks. He's annoying (no, that loud cat noise isn't scary, it's embarassing). He isn't intimidating. It seemed like, just as Mike said, Raimi just didn't care much for the character. Consequently, neither did the audience. The Sandman is weak, but not quite as weak as Venom. The creation sequence was pretty dumb (the whole "deus ex machina" theory was huge here: "I can't think of how to introduce this character or wrap up this weak plot, so here comes divine coincidence."), but not quite as dumb as the StayPuft Marshmallowman-esque Sandman near the finale. Not sure how he got that big. Maybe I missed something.

Actually, maybe I missed a lot.

I'm not sure how Harry's butler could have figured out what happened to Norman, but apparently he did, igniting one of the most ridiculous tag-team battles ever. Maybe I didn't factor in that evidence regarding Uncle Ben's death was inexplicably found in what is probably (don't quote me, I'm not a comic-reader) years after the killing. Maybe I forgot that Kirsten Dunst's contract requested that she sing. Maybe it slipped my mind that this was a superhero movie and not a musical. Maybe I missed the part where little kids yelling "Wicked cool!" and throwing in an American flag for commercial purposes were good filmmaking techniques. Maybe I couldn't quite grasp how Parker's professor-friend could say the symbiote (the meteor that fell out of sky without a sound, turned into a black fungus, and crawled onto Parker's bike to "lay in wait") is beyond his understanding in one scene and then rattle off its chemical structure a scene or two later. Who knew a pumpkin bomb would leave one character with a scar and completely vaporize another...

Oh yeah, and to top it all off, Spidey goes "emo", to the point of flipping his hair and wearing black eyeliner (no, that's not a bad joke). It's insulting. I feel generous giving it a 2/5.

Maybe ALL of those things slipped my mind, but I did remember one thing: Bruce Campbell singlehandedly saved this movie from a "1" rating. Don't rent this to see him steal a five-minute scene as a French dude. Just remember that if you choose this movie to make out in, stop sucking face for those five minutes. At scene change, continue.

If you watch those five minutes, and make out the rest of the film: you have no reason not to give this a 5/5.

If you loved it: thanks, douchebag. You're the reason why there's a sequel to Fantastic Four coming out...