The Abandoned 4/5 reviewed by Corey

The Abandoned is a wonderfully scary movie.

Oh, and go figure: it's rated R and it's got no "Japanese weird crap" in it. Point and case. Horror can be done well. It's just not done well very often. I won't pretend here to know anything about the director or the actors or the writer or anything: I have no idea who any of these people are. I didn't recognize a single name attached to this film. Quentin Tarantino didn't produce it. Thank God, Eli Roth didn't direct it. And the lead actress? She's a Russian woman, about forty years old. You won't see her flip the lights on at home, realize they are out, yell "Is anybody there?" and then proceed to strip naked and take a shower in the darkness.

In fact, by all accounts, this is the smartest horror flick I've ever seen. The story is simple, as it should be: A film producer, who was brought from Russia to America as a child, returns to her homeland. Her mother died when she was very young and she is told that the biggest clues she may have to determining what actually happened would be at the farmhouse of her natural parents. When she gets there, though, things begin to unravel: her guide disappears, she meets a man who seems to be there for the same reason, and, uh...she also runs into some ghosts. Yes, this is a ghost/haunted house story. And it is glorious.

Incidentally, Seth, Chris and I were the only ones in the theatre when the movie began late in the night. We had a seat between each of us for our own little space, and I still spent a good ten minutes or so of the movie in what amounts to a "scary-movie-fetal-position." I watched some of the movie through my fingers. I haven't done that since I was a kid watching Jurassic Park for the first time. The first scare seems to last FOREVER: there is, quite literally, a ten-minute scene of her exploring the house upon her arrival with a flashlight. There are noises, but there is no music. At all. For ten minutes. It messes you up so bad.

Luckily, for all the time the movie spends in suspense, the payoff is huge. The ghosts are absolutely terrifying, the little sound bites that fade in and out randomly scared the crap out of me, and I never felt safe watching this film. That's the glory of a great scary movie.

It's not gory very often, but when it is, it's definitely gory. If you get a huge kick out of that, uh, have fun? I don't know. I don't really care one way or the other as long as blood isn't spurting out in slow-motion or anything.

The frenetic "I'm scared so I'm running the opposite direction of that ghost" scenes are well-edited and cut. The camera helps the audience get into it by shaking a lot at these scenes, but they aren't overly long, so it's no Bourne Supremacy.

The movie isn't perfect. The "twist" ending is trite, undeveloped and just doesn't make sense. The completely unnecessary naked chick near the end will either make you laugh or really really creep you out. I laughed, almost hysterically, but it was probably because I was creeped out. It's also far from titillating.

Once more for kicks and giggles: titillating.

The dialogue can often come off as redundant: a habit is made of saying things that are painfully obvious to the audience and to the other characters. "Look, a gun is on the floor." Ah yes, I wouldn't have seen that had you not mentioned it to the character who was bending down to pick it up. It was noticeable, but didn't really detract too much from the film.

The Abandoned is simply horror done right. 4/5 because...like the scale says, if you're a horror fan, you probably want to own it.

No more SEE/DON'T SEE for me. In the words of Marla from Fight Club, "How's this for not making a big deal?"...

SEE this if...
- You like scary movies.

DON'T see this if...
- You don't like scary movies.

Flags of our Fathers 2/5 reviewed by Corey

There is this cool thing about movies that happens only on occasion: a true surprise. I don't mean a twist ending. I mean you thought the movie was going to royally suck and it turns out it's one of your favorites. Chronicles of Riddick surprised me. Accepted surprised me. Sure, I never thought these guys would win awards (and they didn't and they shouldn't have, don't get me wrong), but they deserved a lot more credit than I gave them.

Flags of our Fathers looked like a movie that would win awards. Which sucks, because I'm sure it will. Which sucks, because the movie is awful. This is probably the most "clean" a movie experience I've had in a while, meaning that I knew nothing about the movie or the cast or any reviews before seeing it. I had heard nothing about it but what the box told me at Movie Gallery. I saw that it was directed by Clint Eastwood. I do not like Mystic River. I do not like Million Dollar Baby. I love Unforgiven.

This movie had a lot of things going for it: a huge budget, a bright young cast, a well-known writer, and an absolutely wonderful premise. All squandered. All wasted.

The film is based around a set of flashbacks to Iwo Jima. A group of young men are brought home after taking a historic photograph to help advocate the cause and, ultimately, sell war bonds to keep it funded. They are made out to be the ultimate representation of American heroism and their reactions run the gamut from euphoria to regret to indifference and back again. These flashbacks are also at times incoherent, nonsensical and pointless. They are certainly never intriguing.

The problem with Eastwood's war flick is just that: it isn't a war flick. The sections that actually take place in the Pacific theatre are few and far between, and only once (and quite early on, mind you) was the action really intense in any way whatsoever. After that, sure, there's the occasional scuffle, but there's a much deeper problem than that here. I didn't care at all for the characters. When they died, I didn't feel anything. When they lived, I didn't feel anything. For a movie that spends so much screentime attempting to develop characters, the payoff is catastrophic. Eastwood tries so hard to do this part right. So when he fails, the audience suffers for it.

This is never less subtle than in the film's yawner of an ending. Not since my first viewing of The Return of the King's finale (which is fantastic once you realize that it was responsible for concluding over NINE HOURS OF FILM) have I been so ready to turn a movie off. Eastwood drags the movie on in all the wrong places and, once again, the audience suffers for it. The writing is decent, another good attempt from Paul Haggis (Crash). It wasn't as riddled with stereotype and cliche as Crash was (which isn't saying much), but it's probably what gave this movie the two points it garnered. Performances were lackluster all around. The actors looked bored. That's all that really needs to be said there.

Oh, and lastly, if you do decide to see it and if you don't know anything about WWII, read up a little bit on Iwo Jima beforehand. There is no orientation at all for the casual moviegoer, and I wouldn't be surprised if a couple people walked out wondering where the movie took place. The significance of the island is completely removed from the story and makes the battle seem worthless. Spielberg got away with this intro in Saving Private Ryan (from which Flags borrows, almost criminally), but that's because it was D-Day. Eastwood, this isn't Normandy. Not everybody knows what you're talking about! I would have liked to see even a brief two-minute background for the audience, but no dice. It's a stale, boring film that had everything going for it.

As a side note, the movie is technically supposed to be coupled with "Letters to/from/who cares Iwo Jima." It's the battle from the Japanese perspective. It's also by Eastwood. It's got Ken Watanabe in it, who is fantastic. Let me know how it is, because I won't watch it.

SEE this movie if...
- You absolutely need to see some war violence before 300 comes out.
- You plan on watching the Japanese sequel. Do it right.
- You think you have to see every "American hero" movie that comes out out of respect and obligation. I respect the people who fought here, but it's not a good movie. I felt sincere loss and sorrow for the people who died in 9/11, but that didn't make World Trade Center a good film.

DON'T see this movie if...
- You're expecting an intense war movie.
- You couldn't keep up with the time structure in Pulp Fiction. Eastwood tries and fails. Miserably.
- You won't watch anything with Paul Walker in it because he's in it. Hahaha...Paul Walker.....

Get to Know the Crew: Chris's Top 20 Favorite Films

Welcome to the newest Critic Crew feature. I hope you enjoy it. If you do not, I hope you enjoy me sending hateful thoughts your way for the rest of both our lives. Love ya.

I have the privilege of appearing semi-regularly on a podcast called The Packet Factor. A particularly enjoyable episode found The Factor boys inviting me in to discuss our top 20 favorite films. You can find the 3 part saga at thepacketfactor.com.

I felt it only fitting to share that list with the readers of the Critic Crew so you will get a better understanding of my tastes. Please note two things:

1. When the episode of the Packet Factor was recorded my list was slightly different because the Prestige had not come out yet.
2. In preparing this list I actually did a top 100 list as well as a top 50 list so if you feel I left a movie out, please email me at joepunchface@gmail.com and I will gladly discuss with you if said movie is on one of those lists or if I think you are dumb for liking said movie.
   *Please ignore the end of the previous sentence. I will not declare you dumb if you like a movie that I do not. I do, however, enjoy debate on the subject so I am always at your disposal.

Without further adieu Chris (Joe) presents his favorite 20 movies (in alphabetical order so as to not play favorites):

12 Monkeys – I’m a sucker for time travel stories. I’m also a sucker for Bruce Willis. I’m even more a sucker for Brad Pitt the character actor. Those 3 things collide here in a wonderful film by a wonderful director, Terry Gilliam (also a wonderfully funny man!). As you can see, I think it is wonderful all around.

About Schmidt – Most people that like Alexander Payne would tell you Sideways is the better of his two feature films citing his name as writer and director. I disagree. About Schmidt is a great mix of funny and sad in a “snapshot of real life” type of film. Further, Jack turns in a great performance that is quite different from his typical bad ass tough guy.

Batman Begins – Sorry Tim Burton, your original got bumped BIG TIME in the list of “Best Batman Movies.” As you read on you will quickly realize that I am a shameless adorer of Christopher Nolan. He appears on this list more than any other director and would have very little competition for the top spot in the category of Chris’s favorite film makers (point of fact, his only competition would be Richard Kelly and Wes Anderson). Batman Begins is simply the perfect Batman movie. It is dark, edgy, and engaging. The only weakness was the presence of Katie Holmes, but even SHE couldn’t bring down this monster of a homerun movie.

Brotherhood of the Wolf – My favorite foreign film, and the only foreign film that made it to the top 20 list. Basically this movie is just “cool” despite the fact that it is French. I know that is hard to believe, but give it a shot and you will see that the French did do ONE thing worth a damn in their unimpressive existence and this movie is that one thing. P.S. If you make me a jacket like either of the jackets worn by the main characters I will give you so much money.

The Constant Gardener – I have been lucky enough in my life to visit Africa for an extended period of time. This movie captured the feeling I had in Africa better than anything else I’ve seen. Two great performances here from Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. This is a tough movie emotionally, yet I still constantly want to re-watch it which is rare for me with a movie that hits me in the gut a little.

Counte of Monte Cristo – Two caviots here: Yes, I know there are a ton of versions of this story, the one I am referring to is the recent one starring Jim “Jesus” Caviezel and the great Guy Pearce. Also, Yes, I know this movie does not follow the book as much as a literati should demand…I DON’T CARE! The gods of literature are about to strike me down for writing this, but I will say it none-the-less…I think the liberties taken with the source material made this a better film. God forbid! Anywho, this is one of those movies that I can put on any given lazy weekend and I will enjoy it every single time. Something about good old fashion elaborate revenge gets my movie pants going crazy.

Donnie Darko – Ah yes, here it is. If you pinned me down and forced me at gun point to declare a favorite movie of all time this would be 1A. 1B will appear a little further down the list in this alphabetical listing so stay tuned. I love everything about this movie. Read my “Old Favorites” review of this in the archive of the Critic Crew and laugh at me struggling to put in to words my love of this movie. It just isn’t possible. Make your life better and watch this movie 8 times.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – This is the saddest movie I’ve ever seen. The concept of erasing someone from your memory is so bitterly depressing, especially because I feel that I have been erased from someone’s memory before and it hurts me a lot. I love this story, which is a surprise because I HATE the other big movie the guy that wrote this wrote. Wow, that last sentence sucked. Pressing on, Jim Carrey as a serious actor is greatness (see Truman, Man on the Moon) and Kate Winslet may be one of the only women I actually consider an actor. Am I sexist? No. I just feel that you would be hard pressed to put forth a convincing list of talented actresses that would be longer than 7 names.

Groundhog Day – Comedy classic. The Ghostbusters movies made a strong push for this spot, but when it came right down to it I put Groundhog Day on the top 20 list because I had just recently watched it again and there is a sort of sadness interlaced with the light heartedness of the story. I’m a sucker for a movie that is both sad and funny, that makes for the best emotional impact.

The Incredibles – When I saw this movie in the theaters I sat through the whole thing with my eyes wide and my jaw hanging open. I felt like a little kid watching Saturday morning cartoons again. This is my favorite animated movie by a mile. I can’t wait for the sequel.

The Lord of the Rings – OK, I know you’re yelling at your monitor right now calling this a cheat. I’m slipping 3 movies in to one spot here. I couldn’t choose between the three and what’s more, I feel that they are best when viewed together as one (which would basically blow up a whole day of your life). These movies also took me back to my childhood because I hadn’t read the books since I was about 12 and I got lost in the story all over again. On top of that, I still say that these movies visually showed me things I had never seen on film ever before. That battle of Helms Deep is probably my favorite battle sequence ever.

Lost In Translation – I have had my share of heated debates on this one. I still think I am right though. This movie captured an emotion for me that I can’t quite put in to words. Something about the way it feels to be away from your home, in unfamiliar surroundings, basically living a mini-lifetime away from your everyday existence if only for a finite period of time. This movie also made me fall in love with Scarlett Johansson, but maybe more I fell in love with the character she was playing. Lastly, I love the relationship that is explored between two kindred spirits separated by a generation and their own separate lives.

Memento – Appearance 2 of 3 for Mr. Christopher Nolan. This was the film that started my love affair with his work. Make no mistake, this movie is gimmicky, but unlike many other gimmick movies, I feel that this gimmick works and is far from shallow and underhanded. Memento also solidified Guy Pierce, in my mind, as a kick ass up and comer.

The Prestige – And just like that, here is our 3^rd Chris Nolan movie on the list. This movie has it all: great cast, great performances, great story, great visuals, and David Bowie. How could you go wrong? Answer: you can’t. This movie was superbly done and I can’t wait for the DVD. The bad part of this movie was that it just made you realize, all the more, that The Illusionist really did suck as much as you thought. Since this is his last appearance on the list let me take this moment to say that Christopher Nolan is a writing/directing powerhouse and will continue to produce exemplary films for many years to come until one day he will be recognized as one of the most prolific film makers ever. I honestly feel he is the next generation of Coppolla, Scorsese, Kubrick, etc.

Royal Tennenbaums – Obviously a Wes Anderson movie was going to make the list. Surprisingly only ONE made it. Rushmore would be my next choice as my hierarchy of his 4 movies is as follows: Tennenbaums, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket, then bringing up the rear Life Aquatic. Tennenbaums, to me, is head and shoulders above the others because it is the perfect example of funny and sad going hand in hand to make an emotionally impactful film. The suicide sequence is hands down the best exploration of that material I have ever seen. Every performance is spot on and the characters are so wonderfully quirky yet hauntingly real that the many individual moving parts come together as a masterpiece. I promised I would tell you my 1B favorite film in the scenario of having a gun put to my head and being commanded to declare an all time favorite…well here is that 1B to partner with my 1A Donnie Darko. My life wouldn’t be too bad if I was forced to watch Donnie Darko and Royal Tennenbaums in an alternating manner nonstop 24/7. Hmmm, truth be told, that isn’t too far from the state of my life currently. I need to get out more.

Seven – Brad Pitt made a decision early in his career. He COULD have continued to play good looking hunky guys and collect his sizable pay checks and live happily ever after. Instead Brad decided that he wanted to prove that he actually DOES have acting chops and the proof of that decision is embodied in two films: 12 Monkeys and Seven. Brad can act. I’m sorry to all of the haters, but it is undeniably true. Disagree? Watch the box sequence at the end of this movie. If you STILL try to argue with me then you are beyond reason. Brad shared the screen with the great Morgan Freeman AND the great Kevin Spacey and guess what…you can’t take your eyes off of Brad. And no, it is not because of his looks, it is because of his performance. That box sequence is staggering. Staggering.

Shawshank Redemption – I love Stephen King. I love him a lot. I do NOT love people taking his wonderful books and turning them in to terrible movies. One man does not do that. That man’s name is Frank Darabont. He also adapted and directed The Green Mile. That and Shawshank are the two best film adaptations of Stephen’s work. This is the better of the two. I don’t need to tell you that Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins turn in great showings do I? That goes without saying I would hope. The surprise is the excellent supporting performances that Frank gets out of all the other actors. I am also man enough to admit that I always get a little misty at the end when Red shows up on the beach. Emotional.

Snatch – This movie is fun. Plus, I feel like I somehow become some hip English guy when I watch it. I know I am not a hip English guy so I think that speaks to the success of the film. This is the kind of fun you can have with a diverse and eclectic ensemble cast. Everyone pulls their weight and you end up enjoying the characters played by people you had never heard of more than the ones you were going in to the movie excited about. Then Guy Ritchie had to go and get his dumb ass married to Madonna. You now have the definition of “marrying down.”

The Truman Show – As previously mentioned, Jim Carrey in a serious role is more often than not a score. This one sold me on that idea. Who could have played Truman better? Hypothetical, don’t really answer because we should all agree the answer is no one. This movie walks the line between serious and not taking itself too seriously quite well. Add Ed Harris to the mix and you’re set. That’s right, the same Ed Harris that you loved in The Abyss. I know, it seems too good to be true, but it is not. No, I am not being sarcastic…I really like Ed Harris and I really liked The Abyss, get off my back.

Unforgiven / The Proposition / Tombstone – Oh boy, I’m going to hear it on this one. Here is the deal; my last spot is reserved for my favorite western. The problem is that I love these three westerns equally and at any given time one can leap frog the others so I couldn’t definitively give this spot to just one. This is my list, so just let it be.

Unforgiven – I love the visuals and the minimal nature of this movie. This is the anti-western western. You don’t have a ton of shoot outs and main street showdowns. Instead you get three powerhouses of film with Morgan, Clint, and Gene. ‘Nuff said.

The Proposition – This is another new entry as it is a newer movie. Guy Pierce again, being awesomeness incarnate. This movie reminded me a lot of Unforgiven really but mixed in more blood and rough housing. Still, it is a western that revels more in its subtlety then its shoot outs and tough talk.

Tombstone – Now THIS is a western. Shoot outs, tough talk, gambling, mustaches, and anything else you need to make you feel like you are living in the glorious, if not somewhat exaggerated, wild, wild west. All I need to say is Val Kilmer has my eternal respect for his Doc Holliday. “I’m your huckleberry.” So very great.

Thanks for reading. Now go buy all of these movies and watch them as hard as you can. You will thank me for the rest of your days. As a reminder, if you disagree or take particular offense to something not being included, hit me up via magic computer letters fool and we can duke it out verbally. Remember, I love you.

The Departed 5/5 reviewed by Corey

The Departed is one of those movies that, when you watch it, you forget you're watching a movie. Whether or not you like Scorsese (The Aviator, Goodfellas) this is a great crime drama that, if you're a relatively smart individual, should keep you more than entertained for two and a half hours.

Ensemble casts are generally very hit or miss. From what I hear, Smokin' Aces was a miss. The Departed is on the lines of Goodfellas. It works. Leonardo DiCaprio (Gangs of New York, Blood Diamond, Catch Me If You Can) is one of the best actors of this younger generation. Matt Damon (The Bourne Identity, Syriana, The Good Shepherd) hasn't yet proven to be totally versatile, but I'll watch anything with him in it because he's just cool and fun to watch. Jack Nicholson (The Shining, Something's Gotta Give, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest) is one of the best actors of the last generation. Martin Sheen (Apocalpyse Now, Gandhi, Catch Me If You Can) is awesome. Like Matt Damon, I never get bored with Mark Wahlberg (Three Kings, The Italian Job, Boogie Nights). Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson, Vera Farmiga. And on and on. What's the best part? The movie is better than the sum of its parts. And the sum of its parts is absolutely phenomenal.

The story is deceptively simple and this will make it sound much more complicated than it reall is. A major crime lord (Nicholson) is close to capture. A corrupt cop in league with that crime lord (Damon) is promoted to work on the case to bring him in. The undercover cop (DiCaprio) who is pretending to be in league with that crime lord is keeping tabs on him. And the rathunt is on.

Everyone turns in great performances. The Scorsese flair is relatively absent from this one, but when it shows up, you'll notice if you know anything about him. The story is great and relatively twist-less, which I really loved. It's an American twist on the Japanese crime drama "Infernal Affairs." The music is good and some really cool tracks make the cut, especially "Comfortably Numb" from Pink Floyd and the always awesome (and especially fitting for this movie) "Gimme Shelter" from the Stones.

It's not overly artsy. There are a couple well-placed shots, but it never takes you out of the story. The end is great. It's graphic and it's surprising (not twisty) and it's quick. And man, is it ever satisfying. Two and a half hours never went so fast. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who enjoys thrillers or crime dramas. If you love movies, I can't imagine you not loving this. Up there with Children of Men for best movie I saw from 2006. Oh, and it's on DVD soon. They recently re-released it in theatres because of the nominations it garnered. It is deserving of all the hype. I'll pay full price for the DVD.

And that's saying something.

SEE this if...
- You enjoy the thinking man's thriller.
- You have any respect for Nicholson, Sheen, DiCaprio, Damon, Wahlberg, or Baldwin.
- You've not experienced a Scorsese movie yet. He's not overrated.
- You saw Titanic and thought (rightfully so, given Titanic) that DiCaprio was a bad actor.

DON'T see this if...
- You flinch every time you hear the f-word.
- You think DiCaprio's best performance was in Titanic.
- You and some guys need something to do. It's a great guy movie.

Smokin' Aces 1/5 review by Chris (Joe)

Strap in fair reader, this is gonna be quick and painful. (Please note ONE of those words also applies to the film reviewed below. See if you can tell which!)



Smokin’ Aces

-Now in theaters-

IMDB synopsis:
When a Las Vegas performer-turned-snitch named Buddy Israel decides to turn state's evidence and testify against the mob, it seems that a whole lot of people would like to make sure he's no longer breathing.

Chris’s review:
This movie sucks. There isn’t much more to say than that. I went in hopes that the large ensemble cast would be used in a clever, and humorous romp of a film with a lot of over the top action and good laughs. That is what the previews made me BELIEVE I would see, anyway. Instead I was treated to an over the top wannabe Tarantino movie failure.

Everything that you like about movies like Reservoir Dogs was ripped off and thrown together in very ineffective ways in this bloody mess of a movie. Added to the disappointment is the terribly obvious “twist” ending which just adds insult to injury. I felt like someone was laughing at me somewhere in the back of the theater saying: “haha, you sat all the way through this poorly shot, poorly written, poorly directed piece of crap and to top it all off, the really dumb twist ending that you predicted 10 minutes in IS the actual ending. HA!” Damn you mystery antagonist in the back of the theater!

Yeah, that’s right…the FBI agent from the 50s that went undercover to infiltrate the mob actually DID become the mob boss instead of being killed by him and then didn’t order a ‘hit’ on Buddy “Aces” Israel but instead ordered him to be picked up for a heart transplant because Buddy is actually his son! Forgive me, the FIRST part of that is the part you figure out 10 minutes in to the movie (unless you are an idiot), the latter part just makes SO little sense when all is said and done that there was no point in figuring it out because if you actually tried your head would explode.

Anyway, I’m done talking about this movie. I’m sorry this was a give up review, but seriously I don’t even want to try to describe why this movie sucks. It is just your generic Hollywood crapfest full of terrible cliché’s, bad writing, worse directing, and pretty lame performances despite the fact that the cast looked encouraging. Poor Jason Bateman, I love the man more than life itself, but WHY JASON WHY?!?!?

Don’t waste your money on this movie. Furthermore, don’t waste a rental or a netflix order. You’ll thank me later.


Chris’s recommendations:
See this movie if…
-You didn’t read anything I wrote above and also didn’t see that I gave it a 1/5. If that is the case, go right ahead your fool.
-It’s free, no, even better, if you’re getting PAID to see it and the theater is filled with beautiful naked women and they are pumping air borne date rape drugs in to the theater as well as handing out free bottles of top shelf liquor and fine Cuban cigars. THEN it would be worth sitting through this movie.
-You are blind and deaf and just need a comfy, dark place to sit down and have a rest.

Don’t see this movie if…
-Anything else is playing…and I do mean ANYTHING…except maybe Eragon…Ben said that movie REALLY sucked. (p.s. who the hell is Ben? What happened to Skankins?)
-You have taste.
-You believe killing innocent baby puppies is wrong. But if you are all for puppy killing then go right ahead you sick freak.